If truth be told I can’t deny how seeing you with her played with my psyche.
Sometimes I look at the pictures I still have left and think back on the camaraderie that we had. The smiles that weren’t fake. You could tell by our eyes that we actually enjoyed each other’s company. I sometimes hear old conversations we had about life, our dreams, the past. I can hear your laughter. The very sound I strived to hear whenever I was with you. It was that laughter that made me feel at home.
I think about our fights often. There was always something with us, wasn’t there? Sometimes they were just stupid. Other times we were so emotionally vested. Some times we’d be mad for a few hours or a few days. Other times within seconds we’d laugh so hard we’d forget there were even hurt feelings.
I think about the way your hand felt in mine. The way it felt like we could conquer everything that came our way. I think about how your hands and how they were calloused in all the right places – indicative of someone who wasn’t afraid of work. I can sometimes feel your thumb caressing the back of my hand as we started on yet another adventure.
I think about the way our bodies intertwined together in bed. The sheets tangled in a hot mess, pulling us closer. I can still hear your heart beating as I lay quietly beside you before the sun would awake you. I can still feel the warmth of your arms keeping me safe from yet another nightmare. And, oh the anticipation you brought right before our worlds would collide together.
There was always anticipation in our relationship. The sheer excitement of what was to come always enticed me back to you. It always made me want you, crave you, long for you. For a long time it was what pushed our relationship together. The pure longing of what was to come. All of that made me remember all of the incredibly amazing times we’ve had.
And then I get hit back into reality. At the moment you touch my son’s hand as if you know him. At the moment I turn around and my heart stops beating. At the moment when your past and your present world collide. At the moment when I hear those words, “This is her?”
Reality kicked in the moment I could feel my heart-break as I walked out of our favorite ice cream shop in shame for something I shouldn’t feel ashamed of. Yes, I am her. The girl who loved you through your faults and through the physical and emotional abuse. The girl who outlasted the anger, the lies, the cheating and all the deception of those years. The girl who shed thousands of tears for you. I am the girl who loved you unconditionally and would have, in a second breathe, taken you back if you could have just been honest with me and yourself.
Your text message this morning apologizing has fallen on deaf ears. As it should be. I’m not sure what lies you told her. I wish I could tell you I didn’t care but if truth be told I do. I care because whatever lies you’ve told tarnishes all the beautiful memories of you and I. You should have known better. Truth be told, I should have known better. xoxo