It’s been a long time since we’ve gotten into a fight. We’ve argued a few times here and there but we never got to the point where one or both of us were upset enough to go to bed without fixing things. I know it’s more frustration than anger. I know you have so many questions and I’m failing to articulate exactly how I feel. I’d like to blame it on the fact that there is so many things going on that the feels kinda feel jumbled together. I can’t make out what goes where and that hasn’t helped us tonight. So, in an effort to fix things when you awake in the morning, I’m going to try now.
The decision is made. It’s final. I know that. I asked you to come home and I’m not taking that back. But, with you coming home there are things that will happen, things that will change that I need to mentally prepare for. Tonight was one of those nights that I tried and miserably failed to explain that to you. And essentially that is what it all comes down to. And yes, I know, I shut down when you decided to leave. But, I swear to you I’m not shutting down now. I’m just trying to manage all the emotions of my life.
Four weeks. That’s how long you’ll stay with us. In my home. Steps away from your arms. We’ll all coexist like we’ve done weekends here and there. We’ll get up and be some sort of oddly shaped family. I get to kiss him goodbye. You get to kiss me goodbye. And then you and Bug spend the hours while we are at work together. All of that is where my mind gets fuzzy.
We’ve never lived together before. Sure we’ve spent a lot of time together at each other’s homes. But, you’re actually setting up camp. I once – during a span of a few days I believe – went on a would you still want me question escapade with Bekah. Well, not really questions, more of statements, but the undertone of it was asking whether or not she’d still love me if I was like that. And now, those same things whirl through me head with you. I’m an odd creature and four weeks is a long time to realize how incredibly odd I am. And even with that, although I am always open with you, you’ll see vulnerability. Not in a bad way. But, with all the other emotions in me I’m incredibly raw.
And then there’s Bug. The idea of the two of you hanging out, learning about each other warms my heart and soul. For all intent and purpose he has another mama. And when I think of you two building that bond, well…
Proximity. After the four weeks are up you’ll head to Seattle. A two and a half hour drive. No longer five hours. No longer an intense plane ride. Two and a half hours. Heck, I can even drive up there! And yes, as you read that sentence the thought in your head of “ya right,” is right. I love you, but I hate driving. Even so, it’s an overwhelming feeling to know that my other part of my heart isn’t in a different time zone. She’s right here. And that scares me with both excitement and fear. Excitement for all the adventures. Fear because I don’t do well with change.
Just me. You keep saying that. You want just me. You don’t want anyone else. Polyamory has defined and shaped me this last year plus. I never thought I’d be able to be who I am because of my beliefs. Then you showed up and changed that. I don’t know how but you did. My heart and home opened up to you and nothing feels right unless you’re a part of it. At that same time you aren’t like that. And that is probably the biggest hurdle when you move home.
I’m not judging you. I feel honored to be loved by you. I feel honored that you want what I can give you. But, I still feel you deserve so much more. J is my number one. He always will be. Openly he is my only. You are content with that. You enjoy our private rendezvous and secret dates. You don’t mind my family seeing you as one of my best friends. You don’t mind that I will kiss J in public, hug him, tell him how much I love and adore him. You are content with all of that for you in private. And it kills me.
You deserve so much more.
You deserve someone who will court you will flowers and balloons, a horse drawn carriage, a picnic in the park. You deserve someone who will hold your hand and gaze in your eyes with incredible admiration as someone explains how proud they are of you. You deserve someone who will spin you around and kiss you just because as you run for covers in the rain. You deserve thousands of posted pictures declaring your love for each other. You deserve someone who doesn’t have to hide who they are to love you.
You deserve so much more.
And that’s the issue. The proximity, the time you’ll be in my home, the decision that you’re actually coming home are barely issues to be concerned about. It’s the fact that I feel I can’t give you what I fully, with all of my heart, believe you deserve. It’s the fact that you think you deserve me. It’s the fact that I think you deserve openness. It’s the fact you are okay with the closet. I want more for you. More that I can’t give you. You just want me to live in the now.
When you move back home we’ll have been together a year and a half. We’ve been through so much in that time. So much has happened, so much has changed. What hasn’t changed is this feeling. I swear to you Janie, I will not shut you out. When you are here I will live in the now, I will love you the only way that I can. But, at night, when you retreat to your room and I to mine, while I lie in the arms of my husband listening to his breathing, there is nothing I want more than for you to have that freedom as well.
I love you and I know we’ll get through this. We always do. But, I just want you to know my heart is yours, but I’m willing to break it if that meant your heart could be given to someone else who can love you the way you should be loved.