I picked you up from the airport yesterday and I couldn’t believe how amazing it was to be in your arms. It wasn’t that long ago that you visited but it’s been a long month. I sit here in front of the computer being given the opportunity to write and all I can do is watch you and J go at it on Call of Duty. Sometimes I think it’s weird that you two get along so well. I guess in a way I’m still trying to get used to the fact that the three of us are making it work, even if the two of you are nothing but friends. As I sit here and watch y’all play everything feels right.
It doesn’t help that these last 24 hours I’ve grown in love with watching you play with my son. As a Libra he loves music so your strumming of my uke making up the silliest songs is perfect. He has the brightest smile when you do and I can’t help but have one of my own. Like always you’ve found a way to fit into this family of mine and it always seems hard to think of letting you go again.
But, that’s what I’ve been thinking. You probably know that. I am always immediately thinking of the day you leave just as soon as you arrive. And, I’m tired Janie of the back and forth. In so many things in my life. Especially this. I know we are as happy as we can be given the circumstances. But, having a partner clear across the US has been a challenge. And with baby here it makes things even more difficult. Or am I just over thinking this in my head?
I think I’m over thinking everything. You. Me. Her. Baby. J. Us. A world spiraling in imperfect choreography regarding you all. A collection of emotions all packed in my person trying to deal. I wish I told you yes about moving back in August. I wanted to be selfish and needy and tell you, “Yes, you should absolutely leave your dream job and come home. Come home to me.” Even if I know I can’t give you the life you deserve but only the closeted life that we have. I wish I could give you so much more. I wish I could be home for you like you are for me. xoxo