It’s 10:38 and I’m watching you on the table with my niece and nephews. You’re laughing with them and talking about all the different ice creams you’ve eaten in the few months you’ve lived in Boston as they eat their vanilla ice cream. They’re wide awake after our movie adventure. I realize how ardently I love you just simply for loving my babies the way you do. And they you. And then I remember the question you asked this morning in the darkness of the morning.
What’s it like to be poly?
You’ve never asked that before. We’ve talked about it. Some. Well, by talk it was a short definition of what poly means and that that’s how I love. There were a lot of questions when we talked. Am I ashamed? Embarrassed by the way I love? By who I love? What are my feelings? Who am I really?
I think about our conversation now. Who am I really? It wasn’t that I was uncomfortable with the conversation. I almost wanted to change the subject. I almost told you I didn’t want to talk about it. I almost made fun of who I am. I almost didn’t tell you. Then I figured, why not? Why not explain to someone exactly how I love? And so, with a praying heart I explained it to you.
I’m not ashamed but I feel misunderstood. Misunderstood because many people don’t believe it’s possible to love more than one person. To be IN love with more than one person. I can’t even explain how it is possible. But, it is. And, there isn’t a I love this person more than this person. No. It’s an unyielding love for you both.
Not embarrassed and yet somehow this will be a secret of mine because I’m unwilling to face the judgement of my family and friends who will not understand. Most people think of you as my best friend. Two girls inseparable after a chance meeting. A meeting that pegged you as an almost. An unlikely relationship because of the distance.
What are my feelings? There is nothing more pure than being able to love completely and fully with the ones that I love. With J and with you there are no secrets between us. So different from the others. So right. I never dreamt of a relationship like this. But, I don’t regret it for a second. I’ve never felt so loved, so centered, so good until I met you.
So, who am I really? I’ve been different all my life and I’ve realized that’s okay. Because, as we talked and you asked again, So, summing it up, what does it feel like? I could say in complete honesty and comfortableness, it feels like I’m on the top of the world. And when you cuddled closer after I knew it’s right where I belong. xoxo