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I’m tired today. It has been so long since I couldn’t get out of bed. Everything is broken in me. I usually don’t care if I belong. Until it has to do with my family. Then I feel everything. I have made so much promises to love my own once my family has started. I never want my children to feel as I do. To feel discouraged, unloved, unworthy.

After 33 years, I still wonder, how have I not overcome the feeling of loneliness. My dad understood this feeling. Maybe in the end, it was heart ache and not a heart attack that killed him?

Heart’s Song

I didn’t mean for it to happen
For darkness to fall
I tried so hard to avoid it
Yet I barely tried at all
I listen to life around me
As I hold the tears at bay
But they still stream down
The day suddenly gray
The weekend was perfect
I smiled and laughed
Even knowing
The day had come at last
But nothing could stop
The heartache inside
To once again feel empty
Pride and love collide
Darkness is all around me
Longing to belong
Buckling under the weight
Of my heavy heart’s song

Darkness is trembling my door. And I need to find the strength to scare it away. I just don’t know how. I’m just too disorganized, too discontent, too disconnected to do so. Someone, please help me. xoxo