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I’ve been thinking of Jax all morning. It isn’t no surprise since today three years ago I lost my sweet son. But, as I think of him I also think of Addy. Whenever I think of our daughter I inevitably think of you. After all, she is what connects us. Kept us connected. We have decided to live our separate lives. I can tell you it was probably something I didn’t expect. But, then again, I never expected our goodbyes to become its true meaning. 

Though we are now on different paths my brain can’t stop thinking of you. The other day I took a walk through Uptown Vancouver. My office was freezing so I was snuggled in my green jacket. As I walked I could smell your cologne on my jacket. There is no possible explanation other than I’m crazy. I tried to put it off that the friend that helped me home used the same cologne as you. But, in truth, no matter how intoxicated I was, I wouldn’t have let this friend come that close.

And then the dreams started. And they won’t stop, C. No matter what I do. I don’t know what they mean. But, they’re there replaying over and over as I drift off to sleep.

I’m in my green jacket. At some bar. I name of the bar is too blurred to make sense of it. But, it seems oddly familiar. Like I’ve been there before. I’m with no one. Sitting on the bar stool drinking my drink of choice. I realize I can’t stand. The more I move the more the room spins. I search for my phone and my wallet but I have nothing. I ask the barkeep to borrow the phone and the person I call is you. Not J, but you.

Somehow I am able to walk out of the door, phone in hand. You ask where I am. I answer I don’t know. But, yet, minutes later you are standing in front of me gently plying the phone out of my hand. I’m so confused but I don’t have the energy to fight you. You pick me up. And instead of heading to your beautiful car, you carry me in your arms all the way home. I hug your neck, take in the all of you as I listen to you soothe me. You keep telling me it’s okay. You sing to me Amazing Grace and repeat that it’ll be okay. You tell me to fall forward. Over and over.

When we get to my apartment you still have your key. You unlock the door and tell me goodnight. You kiss my forehead and begin to walk away. I watch you from my front door, back to me, walking away. I tell you I love you, you turn and look at me with so much love in your eyes and I wake up.

When you saved me that day, when you stepped between myself and your sister, I saw that same look. We barely said a word to each other that day. But, I saw, for the first time in a long time, your willingness to sacrifice and do something for someone other than yourself. I would like to believe in my dream, that is what you’re doing too. You save me again, without asking for something in return.

The only question I have, C, is will it really be okay? You’re gone. She has one foot out the door. I can’t give J a family. I only see the gates of failure closing in on me. I can’t hear you singing anymore. Addy isn’t here. Jax is gone. My jacket washed. When, C, when will it be okay? xoxo