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Often times when I can’t sleep I lay awake listening to my love sleeping. His heavy breathing and mumbles always reminds me that the insomnia doesn’t always win. Tonight though it seems like it is. And it’s probably the night when I need sleep the most. 

Has anyone ever been arrested? In a few hours I’ll be arrested for assault. It sounds horrible, I know. I can say all the cliche things I want: it was that one time, I was just so angry, if this wasn’t said to me. I can make all the excuses in the world but the fact of the matter remains: I was wrong. 

I kissed my ex. We had just broken up and he had visited me at work. My brain was a jumbled mess. After work me and my girl went to Starbucks. All I wanted was some passion tea. Then to go home and just had out with her. Instead we see him. Words were said between the two of them and I got in the middle. He leaned in for a kiss and I kissed back. Like it was the most natural thing to do. Because it was. When I got my bearings back I pushed away. More words were said. We were all upset. His sister came out of no where. She said something and immediately everything she’s ever done to me (and she’s done se pretty horrible crap) came back to me. Without thinking I swung. 

She fell back into her brother. My girl grabbed my hand and we walked away. With a swollen wrist I went on with my evening. 

Tonight I found out I fractured her jaw.

Tonight I found out she is set to press charges.

Tonight I found out she’d be willing to turn the other cheek if my ex, her brother, gave her what she wanted. 

Tonight I found out through my best friend that he’s willing to give his sister what she wants in an effort to save me. 

I chose not to be saved. 

I can get a year of jail time. Two years of probation. Anger management classes. Community service. Even if it’s my first offense. 

You know what the worst part of this is? I feel bad I fractured her jaw. I don’t feel bad I punched her. How cold is my heart?

Another kicker: I choose not to be saved by you and a big part of me feels like that decision alone is saving myself. Jail time notwithstanding. I think what’s keeping me up isn’t the fact that I can be in jail in the next few hours. It’s the fact that I’m sacrificing my personal freedom to free my heart from you. And for that this may be worth it. 

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