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I can’t sleep. I thought I broke my insomnia the night you slept beside me. Cocooned between happiness, I felt fully aware and so relaxed. Since then every little sound awakens me. Every movement stirs me from restless unconsciousness. Every stirring of the night brings dreams of happier times and laughter. So instead I stay awake in hopes to combat the heaviness of you. 

They say you hurt the ones you love the most. I know that to be true because here we are. At a standstill about something that shouldn’t have divided us. But it has. The facts of that night has all but blurred my memory. I tried to go to you but you instead side step. You tried to come to me but instead I spin. We dance throughout the night, eyes on each other, heart connected, but miles apart. 

I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m trying my hardest to keep my walls down but it’s getting harder. My heart is bleeding now, unable to stop the heartache of my loss and the uncertainty of us. I long to talk to people about how I feel but I can’t properly form the words. How do you explain to someone the part that makes you whole, it’s edge piece does not fit in the family puzzle? How do you explain to someone the web of feelings and doubts that come with polyamory? How do you even explain polyamory?

I search for your hand constantly. In the seat next to me. As I walk down Main St. As I snuggle on my sofa with my puppy. I search every corner, every recess, every turn. Looking for the hand that has helped cultivate me into all that you see. I not trying to give you too much credit and puff you up because all that I say is true. You’ve helped mold me into this woman who is fiercely in tune with her wants, feelings, needs. Who is passionately aware of her sexuality, prowess, vulnerability and strength. Who hurts at the thought of this divide. 

I can smell you on my sheets. I curl into a ball wanting to hold, for just a second, the warmth of your body. Deeper I go, smelling the shampoo in your hair, the coconut body wash. Entangled by the arms of reminiscent memories of you. 

I can’t sleep knowing we are struggling. So, I instead continue to work in hopes of reaching happiness. I just hope when you’re ready that you’ll find your way back home so that I may be able to share in the colorfulness of the past, present and future with you. 

All of my love. xoxo

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