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People always want what they don’t have. With me it was a great job,
a house overlooking the water, a library filled with books for my girl and
the girl who could hold the world in her eyes. I got the great job, the
house. I have the library but it sits empty waiting for her to fill it. As for
the girl? I can at most days tell you what she’s feeling and her mood by
knowing the time of day and where she’s located. Unfortunately, that
doesn’t matter because you, you are the girl who holds the world in her
eyes and I just walked away from you.

You may have walked away. But, don’t pretend that it was hard on you. You
did it like a coward. You sailed into the sunset in a way that benefitted you
and not us. You always said anyone could tell what I was thinking and feeling
by reading my eyes. You’re wrong though. I don’t hold the world in my eyes.
I simply have learned to live. It appears, now I must live without you.

I know that you don’t need me to have someone love every inch of who
you are. You have two people who can love you for everything that you
are. For every thought, every action, every feeling of you. They love you
for every scar tracing your body and soul and every knick that makes up
your personality. And they are better people for that, better than I could
ever be for you. You deserve that.

I opened my heart to you. My tangled past was laid in front of you without
hesitation. You never judged, instead you only took my hand and said you
loved me. Every negative thought, every bad action, every hated feeling
about me you took and loved. No one has ever loved me quite like you have.
And I can remember saying how much I deserved your love. Now, I must
pick my shattered heart back up again. 

Remember when we first met? The unguarded smile at the end of the night
I got from you made me complete. And our first kiss? You were drunk and I
took you home, tucked you in, and lay on the ground listening to your soft
breathing. The first time we made love? It was like the entire world suddenly
shifted in position and we were the only two people in the world that mattered.
Amore mia, I will always smile when I think about our firsts.

It is a battle between your heart and your mind when something feels
absolutely right but brings you so much pain. I fought for us. Over and over
and over again. But, you want me to remember all of the mushy feel good
feelings that made us us? You gotta be kidding me right? I will burn those
memories along with the bridge that forever connected us.

I pictured this moment so often. The actual final goodbye. But I could never
see it happening because I know the final goodbye would always become the
final goodbye for now. It’s killing me now knowing there isn’t a for now. This
is for good. This is for always. 

You’re right. This is for always. I cannot love someone who lies and continues
to break promises. Forgive you? Yes, that will always happen. But, to let you
back in? I don’t think my heart will ever be the same again.

I saw something the other day and I want to share it with you. It said, Promise
me you won’t forget our laughs. Our jokes. Our smiles. Our conversations. Our
plans. Our tears. Our memories. Our experiences. Our friendship. I’ll add to
that, cara, promise me you won’t forget that you are loved. You are kind. You
are smart. You are something. Promise me you will keep pushing. You will keep
smiling. You will keep dancing. Promise me you won’t forget to keep standing.
You won’t forget to write. You won’t forget to fly.

Here is what I can promise you, stronzo. I promise you I will become who I
need to be to better myself without you. I promise you I will rise from the
ashes, like I have done so many times before without you. I promise you I will
be happy, because I deserve that. To live my life, to have a family, to finish my
book, to be a children’s author, to love so complete that the memory of you
diminishes every second of the day. All without you.

La mia bambina, ti amo. Sarai a posto. Mi dispiace tanto per quello che è
successo. Come è successo. 
Ti voglio sempre per sempre. Verso l’infinito e oltre.

I remember how your Italian used to melt my heart. Well, non ti perdonerò
mai per aver lasciato il tuo modo di fare. 
Non c’è all’infinito e al di là. Solo
cuore. Vai all’inferno.
xoxo

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