My family is my blood but that doesn’t make it where I am blinded by their actions, thoughts, feelings. Just because they are blood doesn’t mean I don’t see, hear and feel how they see, hear and feel about me. I am not naive to think I have the perfect family and that they love me without judgement.
We’ve been here since yesterday morning and I’m struggling to continue this smile. I want to have fun and for the most part I have. But only because they made me a drink to loosen me up. I feel lost. Mostly because of losing C but because I know you’re wrong but I don’t know how to articulate how I feel. I don’t know how to put in words Friday without mixing all of the days prior to that. Then I can hear you, my body tired and weary at 2am as you tell me goodbye before going home, enjoy the weekend and I’ll call when you’re home. Think about it.
I have. I slept just the hour I had when you sat beside me that night. My body is on fumes but I can’t rest my eyes. I’ve been up for nearing 36 hours and I can’t help myself. I’m not weak, though you never said that I was. But I could see it in your eyes that I was suddenly not the warrior you thought I was. All because with my family I have learned to pick my battles. Because by picking battles with my family it’s the only way to win.
I’m the youngest girl. Yes, I get picked on. I always have. Not just by them but by the entire family – including extended. I know what they say is meant to degrade me and belittle me. I know love, I know. But that doesn’t mean I believe them or I’m weak. Not every battle needs to be fought the way you think it should.
We haven’t said anything to each other since you kissed my forehead goodbye. And it brought back so many memories of the last time someone said goodbye like that. I struggled to put myself back together. My brain is there again and I have so many words tumbling through my brain trying to sort it out. It scares me.
I know it wasn’t that kind of goodbye. But after the events of these week, after the argument you had with my sister my brain keeps telling me it’s just a matter of time. And I’m not ready to bear that. xoxo