I have lost track of the amount of times I have had to say goodbye to you. Every time thinking it was for the last. Then something in our lives happened and we fell in familiar graces. There are so many words that are going through my mind. The wheels of doubt and past mistakes have staked its claim with my heart once again. I feel like a fool. I fought for you. I fought to tell everyone you changed. I fought to let them know you’re real. And then this.
Tomorrow should have been our night. And you ruined that for us. Maybe it was already ruined. I shouldn’t have pushed for it. A predicament like mine can’t be easy on most. Which is why, I had a clause. Instead, you looked me in the eyes and lied. Again. And this lie seems like it gutted my heart. And I’m afraid to tell anyone, although I know they know. Afraid to admit my heart has been broken by you again. Each time I look with hope your selfishness dashes it.
My body is shaking writing this, Past. Shaking because this time I won’t be able to say goodbye. Shaking because this time I won’t be able to tell you I love you. Shaking because this time I won’t be able to tell you I believe in you. I couldn’t eat tonight knowing the end has come and I’m not looking back. I want to. Every part of my being wants to look back and reach out to pull you out. But, I can’t. I can’t because if I look back I take my eyes away from my present. I take my eyes away from the two people who are willing to understand every part of me. If I look back, I will lose one or both.
My emotions are spinning as my heart hits each pot hole on this road of life knowing what you’ve done. Give me what I want? How stupid are you? That isn’t what I want. I want you. And I get not everyone can do that. I get that, Past. Which is why I thought I understood what you meant when you said you would let me go. But, how can I not hate you for lying? For telling me you would try but you already had your mind made up? You promised me. And you lied, again, like you’ve lied so many times before.
The wheels of the my world is spinning out of control. I was preparing my heart to say goodbye. But, I wasn’t preparing it to be so soon. They probably think I’m crazy for giving you so much chances. Maybe I am. I don’t know anymore, Past. When will it be the last time you break my heart? When will it be the last time you promise me something and not come through with it? When will it be the last time I hear you say my name, tell me you love me, then walk away?
Past, I told you I could feel that division was coming. I could feel it in my bones. Now, I feel it in my heart.
Non eravamo mai giusti per l’altro. Anche quando volevamo essere. Il mio cuore ti conoscerà sempre. Il mio cuore ti amerà sempre. Per sempre e un giorno. Arrivederci amore mio.