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I can’t sleep tonight. It’s been a long and exhausting day and all I can think about is this weekend. It was long because I was stuck in doors nursing multiple trips to the ER. Not how I wanted to spend my weekend because you were in town and I fully wanted take advantage of that. And yet, it was a good weekend. Since I wasn’t feeling up to par to really do anything you and I just hung out doing what girls do best…watch a marathon of a TV show with hot guys (our case Supernatural) and talked. 

You challenged me this weekend to think differently. To see things differently. To not allow my emotions to get the best of me as it often does. And through the weekend I slowly began to open up to you about things that we’ve never talked about but have implied. Things like the poem below, about how I have a self-harming problem.

You talked about how I am beautiful. You spoke of just the idea of my will to keep going makes me everything that I am – strong, resilient, independent, smart. You listened to the doubts that I was having in my head from things that happened this past week and you kept feeding me love. After the game, when you left on your long drive back home I felt all that you brought me this weekend leave with you.

My cough is still keeping me up so I couldn’t think of anything but write. When you left you told me that scars don’t form on the dying but those who have survived. You said to let those who love me fall in love with those scars because it means that they love every facet of who I am – dark and light. You said let my scars be the map that my wandering heart longs for. But, what if the volume of the scars keeps me from seeing past the searing?  xoxo

My Scars

The scars mark my skin
A darkened bluish brown
Giving me the memories
Of the times I’ve fallen down
My scars slash and cut
Along each battered thigh
As I trace each lined mark
To wonder and ask why

How can you say I’m beautiful
When you haven’t seen the scars
Embarrassed by the deformity
My own hands have marred
How can you say my soul
Is full of grace and love
When the darkness hasn’t touched you
Indicative of
The power behind the trouble
Which has broken me in tears
Leaving so much damage
Consumed by all my fears

Can you see the scarring
Caused by fire sent to earth
The ashen skin tells the story
Of how I see my worth
Yet you say how amazing
And beautiful my mind
How strong and honest my heart
And the magic to find
Trace these scars on my body
And you will finally see
The scars will tell the story
Of everything haunting me