I said I’d write. But now, now I don’t know if I’m writing to you, for you, or just to get shit out. I was supposed to write to you about why I have a hard time talking about my polyamory. I guess it’s fitting considering what I have weighing in me.
Yesterday, I told you I didn’t want you in the middle of this. When I meant “this” I meant, it wasn’t fair when CLM and I would fall to you to figure a way to talk things out. Yes, we all need friends. But, honestly we abused that. We abused the fact that you wanted me happy. We abused the fact that you would always listen, even when hell was breaking loose in your own life. We abuse the fact knowing your psyche was deteriorating because of it. I can’t, for the life of me, remember if I have ever said I’m sorry. First of all, I’m sorry for that fact. Secondly, I’m just sorry. Sorry for abusing our friendship. Sorry for using you as, essentially, a punching back to get through what we all knew was a toxic relationship. I’m sorry.
As toxic as the relationship was, it was in this relationship that I began to understand fully who I was. It is something I am still trying to understand and fully accept. How many times since have I told you I wish I didn’t love like this?
You told CLM that polyamory is not easily understood and accepted. And there you go, the crux of it. Why don’t I talk much to you, if at all, about my partners? Because, no matter who you are polyamory isn’t easily understood or accepted. Even if you are the best friend of the polyamorous.
It isn’t that I want to keep my love life private. Trust me, there were so many times I wanted to be like, hey this and this and that happened. Or she and I were talking and this was said, it was so funny. Or, he and I were in bed and I was so blonde. Or, he and I were texting and he sent me this pic. Trust me, there were so many times during rough moments I wanted to be like, hey that and that and this happened. Or she is being an emotional nutcase again. Or, he is having a rough time understand polyamory. Or, he was being a total butt munch again. But, there are things that have been said in our conversations that causes me to pull back. There are things nagging with my insecurities that causes me to pull back. There are things that pop in my head right now as I watch her sleep soundlessly on my sofa that causes me to pull back.
Please ask questions if you don’t understand any of this. Like I said, the words are messy.
But, honestly, something is now really and truly bothering me.
Before I bitch and complain let me say this one thing. I get it. New relationships are fun and new and sparkly bright. No fault there. Even old ones make you feel giddy and excited. I understand the need to share, sometimes over share, in a new relationship in an effort to get to know each other. This is not an attack on such relationship. Rather, my insecurity and quite honestly my right to privacy. And please, don’t be mad. I’m writing because this is what I do. I don’t know how to hold conversations about my feelings. So, this is what I do.
You told him “kinda” about her. I’ll admit I needed you last night. But, you were with him and you wanted to spend time with him. That is well and fine. I didn’t mind that. Everything happened so fast that I needed to get my brain wrapped around things anyway. Even if you were available to talk I probably would have fallen asleep on you within the hour. But, I needed you, until you told me “kinda.”
Then I didn’t care what you did. I could blame it on the ER visit, the fact that I wasn’t feeling good, or just the idea that she sat so close to me that I could feel the heat of her skin that made my brain not work. But, those are just excuses. I didn’t care because I was upset. I couldn’t ask you because you wanted to go MIA. But, what exactly is “kinda.”
I was told to let it go because I really don’t know what was said. I was told that it’s ok because whatever was told is probably true anyway. But, honestly it isn’t really okay. All of this, it’s my life. If I wanted to tell people I would have. I wouldn’t introduce her as a friend at softball if I wanted to tell people. I wouldn’t introduce her as friend with my family. I would gladly grab her and kiss her in public if I wanted to say something. But, I don’t because I’m still trying to figure out all of this. And it isn’t fair to share my secret unbeknownst to me. No matter how it was spun.
I don’t know why “kinda” has bothered me this much. Other than this is my me to tell. If I was ready to tell anyone I would have told my mom. I talked to you because you’re my best friend. Otherwise, everything is kept as a need to know. Everyone in our lives are told as a need to know. Outside of this little group, only her sister knows. But, only that Janie and I are more than just friends.
I really don’t know what I’m trying to say other than it wasn’t cool. Does it even matter? I don’t know. I just needed to let you know how I feel.
Now, the only question I have left is how pissed are you with me?
To the moon and back. xoxo