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My Baby Girl,

I knew it would happen. Once I began to dream of you it would continue through the night. And I wanted it to. I wanted my brain to keep going showing me what life would have been with you and Jax. After all, The Adventures of Jax and Addy cannot go on without it. 

I am so afraid to go through the day. If I get out of this bed it means I have to live what should have been your first birthday without you. Can I do it? Do I have the power? The strength?

Why couldn’t you just have stayed?

I often think about what life would be like if you did. Would daddy and I still be together? Would your closet nursery have been created? Your Aunty would have taken care of us until I could take care of us.

I wish I could have found a way to protect you. To give you the life you deserved. On second thought, you would have taught me how to have the life I deserved. I miss you so much sweet girl.

I spent the weekend on the beach thinking of you. The last time your daddy and I were happy we sat on that beach. It was amazing then. I could picture you in the sand. In the water. I saw you in the faces of little five month old Annie who tagged along with her mom. And I ached. And wanted you.

I hope you’re celebrating up in Heaven. How is your Pops doing? I’m so glad you got to meet him. Send him my love. And to Papa too.

You are my sunshine. I love you baby girl.

To the moon and back.
Mama
xoxo

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