I am sitting on the very log you found me on a year ago after finding out my brother’s ex tried to kidnap my niece and nephews. It’s so early that everyone back at the hotel are still snuggled in their beds.
Last night I felt like I was suffocating as I lay there trying to sleep. My roommates had already dozed off, the lights had been turned off, the window open just enough to hear the crashing of the waves. And all I could think about was you. And me. And last year. The memories engulfed me as if it was just yesterday. Our nights on the beach, our mornings in bed, the scheduling of two hearts so incredibly in love. It was such a memorable weekend.
I look over to my right and see that people over the year have continued to burn a bonfire where we did. The logs are now saturated by the rain that has been threatening to dampen this weekend. But I can still see you roasting the marshmallows next to my friends becoming one of us even if you were “just someone that happened to walk this way.” I can see you smiling at me as I lit the candle to the lantern we purchased to say goodbye to our baby girl.
And then it hits. Our baby girl. Sunday.
I’m playing this off as if it’s just another day. But really it’s a double whammy. Her birthday. Mother’s Day. While it isn’t the first obstacle I must face this year it is certainly one I am ill equipped to get through without the strength of God. Either day is not a day I look forward to. And yet it will come at once.
I’m thinking of you. I know how much you hurt. I know how much you think it was your fault. But, I pray you realize it isn’t. I would have been stressed either way. I would have been anxious and emotional. What happened to her wasn’t on you but squarely sat on my shoulders. It wasn’t as if I lost her on purpose. Had I had a choice she’d have been the light of my days and the beat of your heart. Now, she’s a love that links us forever together.
I hope you know she’s happy. And that she wants you happy. Us happy. This morning you should know she loved you. You may have thought you didn’t deserve the title but, oh caro, how much you did. xoxo