It’s been a busy day. I keep pushing myself, keeping my mind on other things because you aren’t here to do that. I’ve become so used to when things would happen I could just say, “Hi.” It’s funny how such a small word can hold so much meaning.
I spent the morning in bed trying to find a reason to get out. Jeremy had left so early in the morning for a guys day. I almost let myself wallow. After all, it should happen otherwise I’ll bottle it up inside like I did with Jax. And that messed me up beyond measure. But, I can’t. I don’t know why. I refuse to talk to anyone about it. Not my husband. Not her. Not him. Not other friends. I don’t know if I’d be able to even talk to you about it. But, it was always nice that you were there.
I keep telling myself that I was too hard. I should have been patient. I should have pushed. I should have been a better friend. I should have kept talking even if it was just really random crap. But, then there is a war in my head. Maybe I should have. Maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Convenience. That was the poem you shared. That was it right? Was it me? I keep asking myself. Did I only go to you because you were the only option? No, I can’t believe that was right, but then you just shut down. You turned your open sign around and closed down. Locked your door. And it feels like you didn’t even look back.
Was it something I said?
Was it something I did?
The last thing I remember before I felt the doors close was saying I was praying for that church member. And then silence. It was a struggle to even get you to say anything. I tried to coax you out of the revery. It didn’t work. Then I tried to shoot straight and you shot me down. So I sit here. Just waiting. But, for what?
What did I do?
I kinda need you back.
It isn’t because there is an issue. But, because its been over a week and I have so much to tell you. So. Much.
My first game is tomorrow.
We are having our first home study.
The blood pressure isn’t better.
I walked into something. Again.
I did my nails.
I scheduled my hair appointment.
Erin says hi.
I think I found a way to get out of this apartment sooner.
My sister moves up in a week.
I can keep going on and on. There is no story time. It isn’t the same. It isn’t the same. Just in case you didn’t know. And just in case it needed to be said again, I am still here. I didn’t go anywhere. I just didn’t know how to break the wall that was constructed. Hell, I don’t even know how the wall got there. I have never been a good pusher. Maybe I should have been.
Maybe I should have been.
The only thing I know how to say now is hi.