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You know what’s the scariest thing about seeing you at the doors of my church? My heart flipped. Even though I’ve asked to go our separate ways, even though I’ve said I’m not in love with you, it still flipped. Who am I kidding? I still love you. I always will. And seeing you again made my knees weak.

I tried to school my features the best I could as your sister nonchalantly introduced herself to my husband. I pretended to smile as they talked a bit but my eyes were fully trained on you. My heart skipped and I wanted to hate you but I couldn’t. You looked amazingly handsome in your grey suit and tie and baby blue dress shirt. You looked good and almost happy considering the lost of your father mere weeks ago. I wanted to go to you then, like I’ve done so many times before, almost as a reflex.

I’m glad church started when it did.

How could you change my world with just a tea invitation?

You’ll never read this which makes this easier. Because, after what I told you my heart hurts. It’s heavy. I know I hurt you with what I said, but it had to be said. I want to reach out to you but I know I can’t. Any opening I give you is an opening. And even a sliver of an opening is enough to break my walls. How do you always get through? I’m told I’m admired by how strong I am. Little do they know how often I break.

Especially with you.

How do I not reach out these next few days? Especially knowing you’re in Vancouver. Especially when I know that you will be just minutes away from me at work. Especially when I know it’s you. Lucas. My Lucas.

I wish I could hate you. I wish I could turn a blind eye. I know how you work. I know the manipulation. The mind games you play with me. I know what you do and how you do it. And yet, I still come back, over and over again. I still take hold of your hand and tell you I love you. I still cup your chin and tell you how proud I am of you. My kryptonite.

Oh, amore, why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone? I am happy. Shouldn’t that be enough? He makes me incredibly happy. He takes care of me. Do we have ups and downs? Yes, don’t we all? But, he is who I have chosen. Please stay away. I just want to be able to love him. Please let me. Don’t come back and make me fall. Climbing out of love for you is so incredibly difficult.

I can hear his heavy breathing as he sleeps beside me. I can’t bear the thought of losing him again. Do you really love me? Do you really understand love like you say? Do you really want me happy? Do you really not want to hurt me? Then prove it. Let me love him. xoxo

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