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The world is quiet. I have settled my household down and they are comfortable in their beds asleep. But, after a long day I still can’t sleep. A lot has gone on surrounding you.

My mom called me today telling me that she knows about my feelings. About the polyamory. About the fact that I am with you…or was. I couldn’t confirm those feelings to her because I just couldn’t. I was a coward. But, it got me thinking of you all day.

Then, at the party, you came up. It’s crazy that you did. We were somehow talking about how drunk me is so much more fun than drunk Mindy. And from there we talked about the bar and how you and your sister were there. He watched me the whole time this interaction was going on between me and the girls. I wanted to talk about you, but my heart just couldn’t. I missed you today.

I wrote this poem the other night. The night you decided to once again break things off. People don’t want me to talk to you and give you another chance. I want to. And yet I don’t. I’m tired. I’ve been down this path before, with CLM. Always saying yes. Always giving the benefit of the doubt. But, never being loved the way I could be loved. My husband on the other hand has begun to understand me and love me for who I am. Shouldn’t that be enough? It should. And yet, I can’t seem to figure out what I want.

I dont know if this poem makes sense. I know it isn’t very good. But, really, what difference would it be since you can’t read it. I keep saying that I’m not available to talk because I know I’m not strong enough to turn you away. How do I turn you away? I can’t. I am but an outlaw for your love. xoxo

I Can’t

I wish I could tell you
What you said hurt
But I can’t
Explaining my feelings
On your words
We will fight

Fighting isn’t an option
Shutting down isn’t
I can’t
You hurt so you hurt me
With your words
Wound so tight

I wish I could tell you
You’re wrong today
But I can’t
Pick your battles they say
Choose your words
You’re not right

People can be wrong
Though you think you aren’t
I can’t
Understand my faith
Darkness is all around
So I write

I wish I could tell you
How much you hurt me
But I can’t
Exhausted with the thought
Use my words
I just might