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I’m listening to your heavy breathing. Most of the night it’s been like that. You sleeping. I listening. You seemed so calm but I know you. I know you now fear but refuse to show it to me because you want to be strong for me. But I know. I understand. I feel it too. The fear. The fear of it happening again. The fear of it being real and then being stripped away from us. I know.

I’ve been asking myself, can it really be? It’s still early and it can be a false positive. Right? Right!?

I guess we will learn soon enough. Until then, like always, I will deter from doing certain things, eating certain foods that can be harmful. But, what I really wish is for you to awaken and hold me. I wish you to awaken and tell me it’s going to be ok. I wish you to awaken and tell me we will make it through. Because to be honest, my whole world seems uncertain as if it’s standing frozen in place. A new job. A new opportunity. We are blessed everyday. And yet my legs shake as I stand wondering can it be?

Can this really be?

Wake up, my love. Wake up. I’m afraid. Trembling. I’m confused. Anxious. This should be a good thing and yet it is causing me to struggle with another dark bout. My emotions are all over the spectrum. I can’t seem to reel it in. My heart seems empty. My mind but a whirlwind of scribbles. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I’m so exhausted. Don’t turn inwards thinking you need to be strong for me. I want us to be strong together. Hold me and tell me this will be ok, things will work out. Tell me, with that stupid smile, that you love me more than all the cars in the world. Tell me that it’s you and me against the world. Let me here you call me Cara as you say how much you love me. And then hold me once more. xoxo