I’m sitting in the dark at my office trying to change the thoughts in my head. It’s 5a and I should be in bed. But, the place that should be my sanctuary – and don’t get me wrong, my home ordinarily is – is now a place of contention. Just like this place will be when my boss walks in. She and I have been divided since I gave her my two weeks. A nice respected and joyous woman is now unapproachable. But, that’s a story for later. My home has become unhome because of the use of two words: bitch and asshole.
I know. To most that’s laughable to have a divided house because of those words. But, in my house there isn’t much swearing. My husband and I have been together for 16 years and I can count on one hand the times I’ve heard him swear. Me on the other hand when I’m angry, stressed, drunk, or out of it my mouth tends to not be on it’s best behavior.
And now, because of those two words I’m fighting the thoughts of: do things actually change? To be fair, those thoughts are probably more prevalent because I’m battling my depression. But, even still. Sometimes I get tired of fighting the same fights. Listen, I’m not responsible for your actions. You CHOOSE to do or say things on your own. Just because I called a guy on the road asshole for almost hitting me or using bitch to describe my boss’ behavior this last week doesn’t make it ok to be rude or disrespectful to me.
I am a human being. Like everyone else I have feelings. And when things aren’t going great those feelings are heightened. I cry easily. I react easily. I fall easily. I’d love to blame it on the fact that I should get my menses within about a weeks time but let’s face it, that’s not the reason I’m so emotional.
I am a human being. Like everyone else I make mistakes. That includes flipping a guy off as I slam on my breaks because he would have hit my beautiful car. That includes using a profane descriptive word to color an otherwise pleasant woman. But, my mistakes doesn’t mean you cannot take responsibility for your actions. You know, like how I have taken responsibility for mine.
Home is in your arms. And home was hit by a tornado last night. And you know what will happen? I will get tired of fighting, turn inwards and say you’re right even if you’re not. Then I’ll pick up the pieces, the broken wood, the shards of glass, the burnt metal and rebuild again. Rebuild a home I’m desperate not to lose again. And that rebuild will take more out of me than the tornado itself. xoxo