It has been a day. I sit on the patio snuggled in my blanket listening to the rain hit the eaves, saturating the ground beneath me. With cup in hand I think about the day. I can say that I’m so confused. Confused because I hurt, but more so because I feel okay.
Today I was immersed in the feeling of loss. Loss because I finally told you I loved you. Loss because it felt like you thought it was a slap in the face. Loss because I told you I needed you. Loss because all you could do was destroy and twist what I said. Loss because I opened my heart to you. Loss because all you could do was break it. Again.
Tonight I was immersed in the feeling of love. Love because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I loved him. Love because he courted me, like usual, on date night. Love because it was me and him against the odds. Love because he held my hand and made me feel safe. Love because though I didn’t tell him of the heartache I went through today he knew and held me. Love because he began to mend my broken heart. Again.
I sit here tonight realizing it isn’t only the rain I am listening to. But, to my tears dropping into my heart filling a broken soul. I want to reach out to you and see if you are okay. I want to call you and hear your voice. I want to hold you and tell you it’s okay to let go. I want so many things for you, with you, of you.
Oh, my love, I wish you knew that this is me fighting. Fighting for love. Fighting for happiness. I wish you knew that this is me fighting. Fighting for peace. Fighting for strength. I wish you knew that this is me fighting. Fighting to hold on. Fighting for closure. There is so many ways to fight, Janie, and the only way I know how to is to fight for you to be the happiest possible. To be able to love like you want to love. I get it, polyamory isn’t for everyone. I will never hate you because it isn’t for you. My darling, I wish you knew that.
I don’t know what is in store for us. I don’t know if we will ever talk again after today. If we don’t, I only wish you happiness. I wish you a lifetime of peace. I wish you a lifetime of adventure. I wish you a lifetime of silly moments, hearty laughter, and rolling on the floor tears. But most of all, I wish you a lifetime of love. I will be okay, I promise you. Now, promise me you will too.