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I was wrong. The alcohol didn’t help. It has given me even greater insomnia.  Or so I say. I turned my phone off tonight to prevent me from drunkenly texting someone. I tend to do that so often intoxicated. 

My husband sleeps not ten feet from me. I sit on the rocker we have in the “nursery” watching him. I told him to not worry it’s just the insomnia but it’s really my unsettled thoughts that keep me awake. Maybe I am crazy?

I look over at the empty spot that will have the crib. My dreams. My hopes. Everything I thought I ever wanted will lay its head there. I should be happy because this is what I was destined to do, to be an amazing mother and loving wife. But what was said was wrong. I have changed so much in this last month.

The alcohol still is scrambling my brain and I can’t think straight. I long to talk to someone but I can’t. I haven’t burnt the bridge and yet I have. I always do. Always push when I am feeling lost and afraid. I don’t like change and my world has changed. I try to focus on the present, of being with my husband and embarking on this adoption journey. Little one, I tell myself. Little one. You’re doing this for little one.

I’m trying to focus on that thought. The sacrifices are for my family. But, all i hear are the voices laughing at me. Laughing as I sit awake. Laughing as I rock. Lauging as I long to be someone I cannot be. I can feel my tears welling up inside of me. I can’t let them go in fear of my husband waking up. And yet, they overflow down my cheek. The action blurring my vision.

Maybe it’s not insomnia?

Maybe it’s not the alcohol?

Maybe it’s all the emotions I have hidden finally pushing out?

I once heard that sometimes the strongest people in the morning are the ones that have cried all night. Let it be so. xoxo

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