Who am I? I don’t know if I know anymore. I used to. Not three months ago I was pretty confident I knew exactly who I was. And, now? Now I sit in traffic thinking about it. I lie next to my husband listening to him breathe softly in his sleep wondering about the future. I sit at my desk at work anxious for the one sign to validate what has happened. Is this really me? Is this who I’ve become? Have I always been this person? What is going on?
What is scary is the fact that I’ve always known. For years, I have always known.
Before I met my husband I was completely and utterly in love with one of my best friends. He was my first love. My first of many, in fact. Including my first heart break. When we realized a long distance relationship was hard we decided to let each other go. We were far to young anyway, to be held down. But, that didn’t mean I wasn’t broken. In fact, I did what any girl would do…cried, vegged on crap, and leaned on my other best friend.
I should have known then. It was always the three of us. And I loved them both. I was with him, but I always had her. When he and I broke up, she and I became inseparable. I should have known then about it all. But, the only thing I knew was my heart suddenly felt different around her. She became far too important to me. She wasn’t just a friend anymore, she was something else that I couldn’t understand. Together we traipsed nervously through something that was unfamiliar. Had my family not moved away she and I would have continued to wander through what felt right.
Then I met my husband. He’s been my beau ever since. He has been the love of my life and while we have shared some really rocky moments there hasn’t been a time where he’s never been my love. He and I have grown so much together and he understands me better than anyone. We laugh, and joke, and fight, and have some amazing make up sex. We pray together, and grow, and never have dull moments. It was always just him.
And then not.
Then I fell in love again. With a guy who at my lowest point just sat down to have a cup of tea. Then to pick me up, as strangers essentially, because he was the only number I could figure out drunk. And he made me realize I wasn’t the average Jane when it came to love. I was irrevocably in love with him because he challenged me to be something I could be but didn’t know how to become. But, how could I love two people at once? Was it possible? Was it right? I had to choose though, neither wanted to share. So, I chose my husband. I chose my best friend.
And I was fine. Until love found me again. This time I wasn’t looking. I was on a holiday with friends. We were letting loose and just being us. She walked into the karaoke bar and I saw her from the corner of my eye. Her smile just drew me in. We danced and drank away the night. It was amazing. She was amazing. And we hit it off as if in a previous life we were soul mates. She opened a world that I knew was always there but too afraid to unlock. But, again, again I had to choose. I had to choose because being a polyamorous partner in a monogamous relationship means choosing.
I was honest this time. With everyone.
I told her what I wanted and that it would always be him if I had to choose.
I told him that I didn’t want to choose and that not only was I in love with two people I was also bi.
But, neither were willing to honestly understand who I was. And so I chose.
Now, I sit here wondering if what I did was right or wrong. I think about her so often. I think about how she has changed me. Good? Bad? I don’t know. I think about how she made me feel, how she touched me, how she loved me. Loves me. I think about him and how being in his arms makes the world right again. How when his hands slowly caress my body there is nothing I want more than him. How he supports my every thoughts. How much he cherishes and loves me.
My heart hurts because something has awaken in me and I don’t know what to do. Who am I? I don’t even know anymore. I said I could by monogamous because he is the most important person in the world to me. I said I’d let her go because I didn’t want her to resent me. But, I am broken without them both.
How is this possible?
How can I love them both?
I am so lost. Trapped in a world where neither will work but oh how I want it so badly. I am so afraid that I am beginning to be someone I don’t know. Someone I don’t recognize. Someone in the name of love, gave her heart up. What if I thought I could do it but really can’t?
Sometimes who we wish we were, what we wish we could do is just not meant to be. xoxo