My First Past

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To My First Past,

I’ve been going back and forth about how to respond to you or if I even should. We have such a storied history. You were so many of my firsts and to be honest I always thought, because of that, you would be a part of my life.

This weekend my mind continued to wonder toward you. I kept thinking, I wonder how he is. Is he happy? Does he like it there? But, ultimately I remembered your words so clearly that day, I’m choosing her because she’s the mother of my baby.

I won’t deny that I was hurt that day. While it wasn’t me that was asking you to choose, but her, I almost felt like I was asking you to choose. To choose something that I didn’t understand or to choose a life. We’ve been friends since we were kids. Was she threatened by our past? Possibly. She wanted a life with you without the temptations of our past. I didn’t get to say goodbye but I let you go.

Then she took you away from everything. Everyone. Your mom hurt knowing you were across the country. I’ll admit, Past, I never liked her. Not because I was jealous. But, because she wrapped you around her finger at the drop of the word pregnant. Afraid that she would take your son away from you. Instead, she took you away from your life.

Then on my way to work your mom called. Past, it’s never good when she calls. I wanted to tell myself she’s upset at me because I refuse to listen to you degrade me and tell me I’m crazy. I picked up anyway. I will always pick up for her.

I didn’t expect to hear what I did. Words like the baby isn’t his, or she cheated on him and they’re getting an annulment twirled in my head. I kept asking myself what have I done, could I have prevented this? Then I remember, I tried. I tried to tell you that being honorable means being truthful not dutiful. Being honorable meant teaching your son of being respectful not spiteful. Being honorable meant being fair not giving up. I tried to help and you refused.

I could only think of you rejecting my advise. You allowing her to destroy my gift to the both of you. Allowing her to uninvite me to your nuptials. Our relationship became adrift and for the life of me, even with our history, Past, if I could anchor back to you I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t because I’m realizing through this month of desperate self-care I don’t need you. Not any more. I’ve realized I am not willing to give so much of me for nothing. After awhile, Past, it renders me immobile.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry I’m not there for you. I’m sorry you feel the way you do. But, I’m not sorry that this time I get to say goodbye. I have a purpose in my life. A purpose that doesn’t include negativity such as what you’ve poured on me the last few days. And so, Past, with all of my love, I say goodbye. I wish you well.

Love Always,
Honey Girl
xoxo